THE WAY I LOOK.

Recently, I've been troubled over weight. Its been a hell since I lost 25kg. Some people think its an achievement or an over-achievement. But to me, its not something worth admiration. I still have that loose skin from all that pounds shed and it looks nothing but hideous and grosteque whenever I wish to wear something sleeveless or when i wear shorts above my knee. WHY? WHY? I still have that fat calves that look so bulky with every movement and even if I were to have a pretty face, which I obviously do not own, It just spoils my entire image. People say its the heart that matters. But, when it comes to making first impressions which are to a reasonable extent, ISN'T IT LOOKS that come first?
I can't help feeling troubled whenever I am wearing a nice dress. I wonder if I actually shamed the designer that sketched out that beautiful dress which ends up being ruined in terms of image by someone who looks like me. Make up may help but its all about masking my face. It can't even mask my thoughts. I am envious, I am bitter.. WHY MUST IT BE ME TO HAVE THESE CALVES? In hope of feeling less insecure and better about myself, I always tell myself "God knows how much I can handle, He doesn't give me a body frame in which He knows I cannot carry around with me." But in reality, this is only a form of deception.

I refuse to keep deceiving myself. I am upset by the prospect that when a guy looks at me, He will think "her legs are so fat.." No one can deny that. It is my calves that bother me so much that I feel as though I am plunged into an abyss of sinister depths. I cannot bear to think better about myself when all I know is that people look at my appearance AND CAST THEIR JUDGEMENTS when they first see me. I am so terribly upset.

I've tried to seek some solace by speaking with my closer bunch of friends. I trouble them by telling them how I hate these wretched calves I have... But all of them say the same punch line "That's not important.. looks are secondary.. those who are good-looking don't even know why people want to befriend them.." But innately in their hearts, they know they cannot truly understand me and they know exactly that they cannot comfort me. It is so true that I cannot be comforted. The past- the way I look; because my personality has not changed, just that I have matured in bits and pieces of the way I develop new perspectives.. it still haunts me. I am unable to break through these prison walls.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO MISERABLE TO LIVE.... I exercise like a demon. I go to the gym to work out those thighs, those arms but the loose skin still hangs there like the dumbells. I go for a swim in hope to stretch those monster calves but I don't ever get more toned because those calves stick to my body like flesh to bone....... I am getting so tired of life. But yet at the same time, I want to live on because others keep saying "there is so much more to life than looks..." what exactly is right or wrong now? tell me someone.....

I've considered surgery. But I don't know the risks.. Life is simply too precious. I must live for other people.. If my best friend knew I would go for surgery, what would he say? would he be angry, disappointed with the way I see that I am so discontent with what "God has given me?" I love him more than our friendship but he doesn't see that.. He always criticizes my point of view about life in general. WHY? He is overly-religious and it makes me a sinner to be friends with him...
I feel so unworthy of anyone.......

I am feeling so insecure at the moment.. What exactly should I do??

hiatus period over.

Its been such a long time since I've written anything. Perhaps the most recent 'writings' were the ones which could get me into uni. I don't know. I feel that I write much better than I speak. Perhaps its because i'm able to process what I want to say instead of shooting off my mouth, offending others and feeling bad about it.
Well.. well, so much has happened since the start of my pro-longed vacation. Its such a wonder that the past 7 months have flew so quickly, even before I would sign up for driving or even before I could shed the 5kg I've always imagined i would- when i get done with 'As'. wow, time and tide truly waits for no man. The saying cannot be denied. Honestly. Let me really start anew from this date.

Mmm, let me explain why I chose this link: the-memoranda.blogspot.com
My favourite novel is 'Wuthering Heights'. If anyone has read it, they would understand or at least jiggle their brains to the direction that it is a tragic love story. Not more than tragedy itself that I am a 'sadist' to like that book. But rather, I enjoy reading about the deep passion which Heathcliff has for Catherine. Yes, I know that it is an unorthodox love. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I guess, my opinion is that such deep passion which entails a little of self is worth commendation. Let me refer you to my favourite extract from the book: "what is not connected with her to me? and what does not recall her? I cannot look down to this floor, but her deatures are shaped on the flags? In every cloud, in every tree- filling the air at night, and caught by glimpses in every object, by day I am surrounded with her image! The most ordinary faces of men and women- my own features-mock me with a resemblance. The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that I have lost her!" Perhaps I'm bias that the novel is worth more what it has to offer but I can't snap out of it.

That being said, I still have a lot more to discover about life. Its not just romance alone. Perhaps its a journey of self-discovery where I have to come to terms to being left very much on my own. I refuse to put it in a full word- INDEPENDENT but really, over the years, I've learnt that everyone has to be on their own in order to fully understand themselves. No one can guide, No one will guide. No one, but you. YOU have to be on life's journey alone. As much as I try to run away from the fact that I have to start facing problems, struggles, disturbing thoughts and the past that haunts me all the time, I have to brace myself with courage. So tough but its not like I have a choice.

I wish all a good day. I'll be regular in posting.